There is no appropriate way to begin

I should have started this blog on February 10, 2016 when I found out my mom had lung cancer. But now it’s May 4th and my mom is already gone. The past few months have been a spiraling, dizzying, blur of emotions. I should try to back track and tell you everything from the beginning. But honestly it isn’t even worth it. I wanted to start this as a way to cope with the loss of my mom and try to move on from this. It won’t be perfect, the grammar will be incorrect, my thoughts will be jumbled and I’ll skip all over the place but I just can’t care about minor details like that. I just want to vent my thoughts and feelings. Enough explaining. 
All I can think of today is that my mom is not here. Then I think why do I even care? A few months ago just the thought of my mom filled me with all sorts of emotions, but mostly anger. I’ve always had this anger towards her. She failed me almost my entire life. She was never there for me when I needed her to be. She consistently chose other people, drugs, and alcohol over me. It wasn’t until recently I began to accept her for who she was, and became completely OK with the fact that she would never be able to be the mother I wanted her to be.
February 10th 2016 was a day just like any other day. It was a Wednesday. I was bored at work, waiting for lunch to break up my day. I checked my phone and saw a text from my mom that said to call her after I got home from work, she needed to tell me something important. Instantly I was mad. Who sends a text like that? Like I was just going to say, “OK” and move along my day like normal? So of course I ask if I should call her now, and she says I better wait until I get home because it’s bad. Now I’m full of nervous anticipation but I knew better than to call her from work because if it truly was bad news I didn’t want to spend my day crying at work. I compromised with myself and told her I’d call her on my lunch break. Fast forward to the part where my mom says “I have cancer” and starts crying. 
WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Cancer? OK…cancer. Sooooo….how bad is it? Where is it? What kind? What stage? Where are you now? Are you ok? Do you need me to come see you now? Where are you going to get treatment? All questions she couldn’t answer. We hang up and Lori got to the park and I start crying. Not because I was sad, but because I was angry. How dare she get cancer when we have all these unresolved issues? How dare she get sick when I was still secretly mad at her? 
From that moment on, the word cancer just sounded different. It felt different. Lots of people I know have had someone in their family who had battled cancer. Even my Uncle Mark had cancer, leukemia….but he was still at a distance, as I was never very close with him. Now my mom says she has cancer and all of a sudden the word feels like poison. It just sounds awful, and horrific. I knew right from the beginning this wouldn’t end well, I just had no clue how fast everything would go. I had no clue what cancer was capable of…not only in the person who has it, but to the people supporting that person. I may not have cancer, but cancer definitely took many things from me that it had no right to take.

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