Denial?

I am not sure if I am grieving properly. Everything I’ve read tells me that everyone grieves differently. It seems the moments that are hardest for me are when it’s absolutely inappropriate to have a break down. Mostly it happens at work. Other times when I’m surrounded by friends or family. Or even while I’m on my lunch break. I’m not the kind of person who cries and no one will know it. Nope, if I cry for just 3 minutes it looks like I’ve been crying for 3 hours. If I cry at night my eyes will be the size of baseballs in the morning.  I want to cry. I want to sit here at home and cry all day and eat. I want to go to her grave whenever I want. What I really want is to see her and know she’s still alive. Lately I just can’t believe she s gone. I really just can’t believe it! Literally! I feel like any minute she’s going to call me. Nope. Never again. I go back and forth with memories of how she looked. Mostly when I think about her I see her how she looked when she was healthy. Then I will scroll through pictures and find the one I took right after Auntie braided her hair and she looked so cute. Or I’ll see the picture of her in the casket. I can’t even believe that is her. Not only because she didn’t look like her, but because I can’t believe that is my mother laying in that casket. It’s so strange. We became so close over the past few months. There were times I was so mad at her or annoyed with her. If I really understood how quickly she was going to go I would have let her stay here at least for a little bit. I would have hidden my frustration and gotten through it. Lori and my grandma told me how fast she would go but I didn’t really believe them. I can’t believe how fast it went. How fast she went. We had a moment together on the Friday she started declining. I asked her “do you know what’s happening?” She said “no” I told her “you’re getting worse” she said  “I thought so. They didn’t do a very good job of hiding it.” I felt myself starting to cry and I was trying to fight it off but she noticed and asked me if I was going to cry. We hugged each other and she started crying to and said “I don’t want to leave you. I’m not ready to leave you.” That’s the last thing I remember her saying before she slipped into la la land. I should have held her longer. I should have told her how much I loved her even though I spent so many years hating her. All the hurt I felt because of her my whole life seems so silly now. Like all that time was just wasted. I could have had a relationship with her if I would have let myself. I should have held her longer. 

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