Can’t sleep

It’s so random how losing you affects me. Today at the Doctor’s office I started crying when Lori mentioned how you died. Couldn’t get you off my mind since then. I’ve been crying a lot just struggling with the fact that you’re gone. It’s like torture laying in bed trying not to think about you but not being able to stop thinking about you. I went through all of our text messages from the time you told me you had cancer until the last one you ever sent telling me how much pain you were in. I keep thinking of how terrible you looked in the casket. I can’t believe how fast it all went! I’m just literally in awe. Tonight I keep thinking how I’d be so happy if you could just come back for 5 minutes. I know it’s a lie I would never be satisfied with that. I bet everyone feels this way when they lose a loved one. I guess this is just a bad night and this is one of the waves that comes and goes. I don’t like it. I miss you. This is the first time it has hurt so bad. I literally can’t stop crying and I’m going to look like a swollen idiot tomorrow at work. I wonder if anyone even wonders how I’m doing anymore or if everyone just assumes I’m fine. If anyone asked I’d say I was fine. 

Anyways now I have a headache. I better try for sleep again. I love you mom. I am so sorry this happened and I’m so sorry you had such a hard life. I just realized I’m wearing your damn shirt!!! No wonder I’m a mess. Ugh, goodnight. Love you. 

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