Are you really gone?

I am having a horrible time lately, Mom. I don’t know if it was good or not that I went to the cemetery on Saturday. I really wanted to go but as soon as I got there I just cried, and I’ve been fighting tears ever since. At work all day it is literally all I can do to just keep swallowing down the huge lump in my throat that wants to come out as tears. I feel like it’s getting worse. Is that normal? Who knows! I’d ask you, but I can’t. You know I never wished for “one more day” ever in my life until you died. But I don’t even want just one more day. I just want you back. I don’t think one day would ever be enough. I have only dreamt of you once, and it was very brief. You simply turned around and looked at me but you didn’t smile or anything and it was just a few seconds. The only way I know you are with me is because I feel you. I am bawling my eyes out and I absolutely feel you here with me. My heart hurts so bad. I feel like you would just be beside yourself trying to comfort me and telling me that everything is ok and you are ok, and it’s normal to feel all of this. I can also imagine you trying so hard to move something or make something fall so I would know you are here which makes me laugh. So many emotions.

I don’t want to “move on”. I actually never want this feeling to stop. It is really difficult to think this feeling fades with time. It’s weird because I see posts on Facebook about other people’s parents who have died. “It’s been 7 years since Mom died…” I can’t even imagine saying that. It’s only been 2 months since you died, almost 3. I just keep thinking “OH MY GOD she’s really gone.” I will never see you again!! WHAT THE FUCK. Never. Who knows if there’s an afterlife or not, but even if there is one and I do get to see you it won’t be the same. That’s the only thing that comforts a lot of people. But it doesn’t comfort me because I don’t know what I believe. I lay in bed at night and think about you constantly. Today what has eaten me alive is that I left you the night before you died. You were trying so hard to say something. You kept looking at me. It seemed like you were crying but I told myself you weren’t because you were dying, I thought maybe you couldn’t blink anymore or maybe your eyes were just leaking. I took time for granted because that week that you were in hospice felt SO LONG. You never really changed, at least to me because I spent all day with you. The only thing I ever noticed was that you were becoming weaker with every day that passed, but you could still say “I love you” and “Hi”, and “No” “I’m thirsty” “Thank you”…and you could even yell at the nurses when they tried to clean you or turn you. (I know you were in so much pain). So when I was getting ready to leave I asked you if you wanted me to stay but you didn’t say anything. I told you I’d be back first thing in the morning, but I was too FUCKING late. You died as I was parking my car. ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME. I missed your death by 3 minutes. 3 MINUTES! I walked in your room and saw you laying there and I wanted to scream at you to wake up! I have heard that the last thing to go when someone dies is their hearing. I was afraid you could hear me telling them I didn’t want to touch you. I was terrified of you. Not of you, exactly…but I was afraid your eyes would snap open, or that you would have one last sigh, or a twitch…so I just cried. I told you I loved you from a distance while Lori and I gathered your belongings and left. I wonder if you were scared. I know Lori’s boss’s wife was with you reading the Bible and praying with you when you died, but it should have been me. I am full of so many regrets when it comes to you and it’s eating me up inside. I know all of this is out of my control and there isn’t a damn thing I can do about any of it now…but I am pretty sure I will feel this way for the rest of my life.

I love you so very much. I hope you can feel me as much as I feel you. I hope there is an afterlife of sorts and that you are sitting there reading these letters to you. You are so very missed, Mom. My heart is breaking more and more with every day that passes. I hope you are proud of me, you always thought the world of me and told me how much you loved me and you thought so highly of me and I always brushed it off…I am sorry. Please rest easy, and know that I feel you and that I don’t ever want that to stop, even if that means having a breakdown in public.

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