This is harder than I thought

Oh mom. 

I really miss you. It is still so difficult for me to believe you are gone. There were times we would go months without talking so the fact that it’s about to be 3 months since you died is just hard to believe. In my imagination I still think it’s possible that I’ll get a text message from you any day now. Although this time I wouldn’t roll my eyes. I’d text you back and tell you how much I love you. I am literally being eaten alive by guilt. I never knew how much you loved people. I really never knew. I wasted too much time being angry at you. You’re love for people was genuine too. You saved everything. Literally everything. If a friend gave you a toothpick you’d probably save it. I would see it and throw it away but you would see it years later and remember “oh so and so gave that to me in 1995.” I’m struggling with ways to make sure people don’t forget you. I’m going to buy a brick at the memorial walkway at hospice with your name on it and some little saying. I am getting my tattoo in the winter. I plan on making a scrap book this winter too. Nothing will be enough. 

I want to talk to grandma but I know I’ll just cry the whole time. Thinking of writing her a letter but I need time because I’ll just cry. 

I love you mom. Please continue to stay with me. I miss you with all of my heart.

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