Anger and Organization

Sigh.

I have been so angry lately, Mom. I’m not sure  if it’s because of the meds I’m on for PCOS or because you died…or no reason at all. Waking up instantly angry is not pleasant for me or Lori. Yesterday I became so mad because Lori told me I should water the garden by hand instead of using the sprinkler and just “watering the dirt.” I could go into a million reasons right now of why that makes me so angry, but I won’t waste my time. I stormed off into the garden to pull more weeds and eventually when I started to calm down I thought of how sad it would make you to know how angry I am. I started asking myself why I got so angry and then I felt a pretty powerful “slap” on my hip. I spun around to look but nothing was there. I instantly knew it was you. I feel like since I acknowledged that was you, I’ve felt that same feeling once or twice since yesterday. Maybe it’s your way of telling me you’re with me? Maybe I’m just making that up. Trying to find ways to cope with this, but it sure isn’t easy.

I’m done going through all of your pictures and I’m sorry I had to throw a lot of them away. I kept the ones of people I knew, and got rid of the rest. I’m sending a large stack to Aunt Sharon because you have a LOT of pictures of Uncle Mark. I’m sure she’d appreciate them. Sending a small stack to Patti and Thom, he said they would like them. I even saved the ones of Johnny and Aunt Crazy to send to her one day. I know you would not be happy about me and Aunt Crazy not getting along, but I’m not ready to contact her. I’m not sure I’ll ever attempt to make amends with her but I’ll at least give her what I think she would like. I remember you telling me she gets the pictures. I’ll get them to her eventually. They are just going to get ruined, but if it’s what you wanted I’ll respect it. Seems like organizing things has become my way of dealing with things lately. I bought a new filing cabinet…I’m such a nerd.

I talked to Grandma the other night…it was nice. We cried. We like talking about you, but it sure does hurt. She read me a card you wrote her once and now I feel guilty for making fun of you for having all those TV’s in your storage unit. You had those TV’s to help you get through bad times. You always loved watching TV and if one went out you had a backup…6 times lol.

I wish I could hug you.Love you.

Jess

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