It all disappeared 

Hi mom,

I actually feel like I’m talking to you when I write these, it’s weird. Whatever helps me I guess. Anyway it’s strange how most of my life I spent feeling so angry at you and so hurt. Now that you’re gone I don’t even remember what that felt like. All I feel is guilt and sadness. As I write this I’m sitting in the parking lot at work waiting for someone with a key to let me in and I’m just swallowing the constant lump in my throat trying not to cry. I knew this was a bad idea but I felt I needed to tell you that. I wish I had gotten to know you better. I always thought you were drunk all the time. You probably were. But that didn’t make you a bad person. I just didn’t like to be around it. It kind of scared me every time you got drunk and I saw it, even as an adult. I don’t really know why. You did get pretty crazy at times though, you have to admit that. I am sorry though, that I never made an effort. It makes me sad now. I’m glad all the negative things I felt have vanished but I am not glad that they were replaced with feelings of incredible guilt and I am not glad that you had to die for me to realize who you truly were. Do you even understand how hard this is?!  Ugh I just want to break down. I better stop this before work. 

Last night I started singing a silly song to Jerry and I just stopped right in the middle of it and realized I was you lol. I said “oh my god my mother is coming out of me” it made me giggle and cry at the same time. 

I love you mom. Yananastain.

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