Just sad

I feel like this almost every night. I also feel like literally no one can possibly understand this horrible feeling. I talked so badly about you my entire life. I made fun of you. I cried to people about how I wished you could just grow up and be a mother. Then you got sick and fucking died. So fast. Those 2 months were filled with so many emotions and ups and downs I still can’t believe it. My head just spins when I try to think about it. All the sympathy cards stopped, people stopped asking how I’m doing. Everyone just thinks I’m ok and that my life is just moving on. But I’m not ok. Now I can’t even look at a picture of you without crying. I can’t even type this without crying. I guess this is all normal but really no one can ever prepare you for this. Grandma told me how horrible this was going to be. She told me it will just keep getting worse but all of that was empty words when you were alive. When you were suffering I wished you would just let go and die and when that moment finally came I wanted you back immediately. I can’t stop thinking about the look on your face the night before you died and I asked if you wanted me to stay. I felt so strongly to stay but I made myself go. I even asked the nurse and she said there were no signs of you dying soon but that sometimes it’s literally in the blink of an eye and that’s what you did. Ughhhhhhhh! Seriously fucking cancer took you so quickly. Who knows maybe you had it for years. I don’t know. I have these damn pictures of you in my phone and I can’t delete them but every time I scroll through to find another picture I see you and it stabs me in the soul. Grandma says her only comfort is knowing you’re in heaven. I don’t share that comfort. All I feel is sad and angry. Grandma’s faith is huge though. So was yours. I know you would want me to have faith but I’m just not there yet. Heaven and hell are thoughts that are meant to comfort the grieving but they have done little for me. I want to write Dan a letter and tell him what a horrible person he is and I think I still might. I’m not sure how you would feel about that. Now that I know everything he did you you I feel that it’s only right. I don’t know. Maybe it’s best to just leave it all alone. Ugh. I hate this. 

I love you. 


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