So I’m starting to get frustrated that the times I want to cry or break down are ALWAYS inappropriate. Like now for example I’m laying in bed trying to fall asleep and what does my brain decide to start thinking about? The flowers we all put on your casket at the cemetery. About how I had to be the last one and everyone was staring at me. I put the flower on your casket and put my hand on it and started crying and if I had it my way I would have stayed there longer just crying. But I had to go because everyone was waiting for me. If I could have a good cry right now I would feel so much better but I can’t because if I do, I will wake up with eyes the size of baseballs and have to go to work that way. I will feel hungover too I don’t know why that happens. Why couldn’t this have happened last night so I could have a full day at home to recover and not have to explain anything to anyone?! I sit at work and almost everyday at least once I fight tears. When I’m driving I start to cry. Why o why can’t this just hit me at a time when I can let this out? It’s very frustrating. I talk about you so much now I wonder if people think I’m crazy. You’re all I want to talk about. I remember when I was in school growing up whenever something was wrong people would beg me to tell them what it was and if I did and started crying it felt safe to do that. Now it just feels weird. It’s like all I want is one compassionate hug and to just break down and fall apart but if that happened I wouldn’t let it happen. This being an adult thing fucking sucks. Why do I feel the need to be seen as “strong” and when did I start thinking crying was a sign of weakness? When did anger replace all the compassion I once felt for others? What happened to make me so ugly on the inside and how did I let it get to the point of radiating to my outside? Flicking people off, swearing at people, just in general a miserable human being?
So many things in this life are unfair. The biggest has everything to do with you. It’s unfair I could never depend on you when I was growing up. It was unfair of me to hold that against you the rest of your life. It’s unfair that you died so young. I can handle everything, as far as your bills, etc. but I cannot handle picking up the pieces of me. You came back into my life in February and you left permanently in April. I was always used to you coming and going but I will never get used to the fact that you are never coming back.
Anyways, I love you mom. Thanks for still being with me.