Like a ton of bricks

Dear mom,

Yesterday I took a wreath that Lori and I made to your grave. When I found you I was sick to my stomach. Your grave was completely covered up by grass and weeds. It literally grew over your stone. I wish I would have taken a picture so I could complain to the office but I wasn’t even thinking about that. I just started getting it all off of the stone. I feel so guilty now for not going sooner, it’s obviously been too long. Of course no one else goes to see you. Makes me sick. I’m sorry about that. I know you saw it and it drove you nuts to not be able to get down there and fix it.  I didn’t cry for the first time. Lori was with me, I think that’s why. I wish it wasn’t such a far drive and that I could go there more frequently. Sigh. Sorry mom.

We came home and relaxed for the day. We ended up watching a movie about two best friends and one gets cancer and dies. You would not believe how that movie knocked me down. I cried so hard I felt my stomach cave in. I was gasping for air. Lori got in the shower and I went into the bedroom and hunched over on the bed and just wept. It literally hit me like a ton of bricks. It seems to get worse with time. Every time I see your picture I just say “I can’t believe it.” I really truly cannot believe that you’re gone. Forever. I look at your smile and get so sad that not only me, but no one…will ever get to see it again. The only thing that helps me is imagining you are actually reading these letters and see the little things I do to let you know I haven’t forgotten about you. Such as using the dishwater longer instead of draining it often. Also, I use the correct water level in the washing machine instead of keeping it on large load all the time. I talk to your picture, I talk to you. I never forget about you or the experience we went through together. Even though you had the worst of it, and suffered the most, my pain is much different from yours, and will last much longer. I’m so sorry you had such a shitty life. I’m just dreading my birthday. I am pretty sure I’ll be kept fairly busy but you’ll be on my mind constantly.

I love you mom. I love you so much and I miss you in a way that I never knew was possible. God  I wish I had the chance to do it all over again, but better. I truly hope you are finally happy, and finally at peace and finally “living” without fear or negativity. If not, then I at least hope you are nothing…that you just stopped to exist. I don’t know what I’m saying anymore.
Yananastain.

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