I’m such a bitch

Hi Mom. This grief business is sure tough. I don’t know what it is. I will be fine and not thinking of you and then wham! Inpark my Jeep by the lake for lunch and start crying. I think it’s just so permanent. I know I’ll never get the chance to explain myself or apologize for things I’ve done or said. It kills me. I really don’t buy it when people say you knew or you would understand. I mean I’m sure you would understand if I told you what I was thinking. But the fact remains that I acted in ways that were not very compassionate towards you in the end. I can’t apologize and it is absolutely killing me. I keep thinking about when I took you from the hospital when you were discharged to the nursing home. I was SO ITRITATED with you. You were in such a rush to get out and you were so mean to the nurses. I had to walk to and from the pharmacy a million times which wasn’t close. You wanted to go out to eat but I just wanted to get you to the nursing home so I was crabby. We didn’t talk the whole way there. When we finally got there I felt so bad for you. It wasn’t anything like I remembered when we toured it. They put you in a old shitty room and it wasn’t private and I felt like I made a mistake. I couldn’t stop crying I felt so guilty and you tried to comfort me when I should have been the one comforting you. I got out of there as soon as I could. I should have stayed longer. I wouldn’t let you keep your car because of the tumor in your brain and eye…I thought you’d hurt yourself or someone else or go to a bar and drive drunk. I should have let you do whatever you wanted. You didn’t even last a month there. It was your las month of life and I restricted you. I was so hard towards you and my intentions were good I swear but I never explained it to you. All I was focused on was being strong for you and I think that came across really mean. I didn’t want you in that nursing home. But I could t have you at my house. You wanted to move closer to your friends and I got so mad at you because I didn’t want to drive an hour to see you. I don’t regret that though… it would have been ten times harder to deal with all of that and have you so far away. You were in so much pain at the end and I just wanted it to stop. To see you in that pain was more than I could stand. You kept saying you’d rather have a million babies with no epidural than feel that pain. So when they asked if I minded if you were more sedated of course I didn’t object. The thing was though…you were never very sedated. You were so restless. You could stay still and you wanted to get up as often as you could. I get so bad for you. You tried so hard to have a positive attitude but I know you were really down about the whole thing. Well now I have to go back to work with swollen eyes. Hopefully I’ll get a chance to write more before Christmas. I know how much you wanted to see this Christmas…I promise to honor you and hope you’ll “be there” for it. Love you Mom. I’m really sorry.

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