Well here it is mom. The first day of the new year, the first day another year starts where you won’t be at all. That thought is so very strange to me. It didn’t hit me until I was counting down with my friends with our champagne held high…10,9,8….5…fuck. I started to get choked up so I had to stop counting and in those last few seconds I realized I was leaving you behind. I hate that time goes on, that this world just goes on. It seems no one even cares about this huge loss I suffered. The only person in the world who understands this is Grandma and that alone is just humorous to me after all we’ve been through.

This time last year you were just back from your trip to Florida to visit Grandma and Uncle Gary. You were in so much pain but you thought it was from Grandma or Uncle Gary’s bed. No one knew you were sick, not even you. I can’t even believe the cancer was probably growing for so long and no one even knew. By the time they found it it always everywhere. How sad.

Anyway, I’m starting to consider going to a therapist for this grief. I think what I’m feeling and going through is completely normal but it seems Lori may be getting impatient with me. It’s not that I want to leave you in the past…the problem is I don’t want to leave you there. I want you with me now and in the future. The closeness I felt with you at the end of your life was just like the closeness we shared at the beginning of my life and I want it back.

I love you mom, and I’m sorry you can’t be here for 2017 but I really hope if there’s an afterlife it’s much better than the life you lived here and you aren’t  even missing any of this. I really hope that.




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