Blind sided 

Tomorrow is your birthday and you are all I have been thinking about the past week.  I’m sitting here just watching tv and out of nowhere I thought about me, you, Charlie and Lori eating lunch at the nursing home when Charlie brought us the wedding planning book. You were so excited. You were clapping your hands with that beautiful genuine smile and you said “yay! Something good is good is going to come because of my death!” I know that sounds weird but you meant it genuinely. You were already getting worse. Your hair was falling out in huge quantities. You couldn’t walk too well. Everyone knew you wouldn’t make it to my wedding except for me. I really thought you’d make it. I am just sitting here and all of that popped into my head and I’m just fighting tears. The pain in my heart is so intense. I feel so sad you didn’t get to watch me get married. If you would have known you weren’t going to be there I’m sure you would have told me so many things and we would have cried. Part of me thinks that you are so happy in your after life that you don’t really care what goes on here. Another part of me thinks you are so bummed out that you are missing all of the wonderful things happening in my life. I just want you here again. 

On this day last year you were back home and you texted me about how angry you were at Tiffany and how much pain your were in. You asked me to take you back to the hospital. Of course since I’m an asshole I thought you were faking it and I was so mad at you. Seriously what kind of daughter doubts everything her mother says and thinks her cancer isn’t really that bad? I’m such an asshole. You sensed that I was mad. You apologized in the car and started crying. I felt bad but not enough to comfort you. I’m such a fucking asshole. When we got to the hospital I walked up to your room with you, and stayed with you while they admitted you and then I left. I was still so frustrated. You didn’t let me come see you for almost a whole week. Anyway this was all one year ago. On your actual birthday you spent the day alone in the hospital. Your last birthday was spent alone. The nurses and doctors and dietary staff all asked where I was but you didn’t trash talk me. Yet another example of your incredible love for me. I texted you happy birthday and I was sorry you were in the hospital. I am SUCH a fucking asshole. I should have come to see you even if you said no. I should have brought flowers and balloons. We didn’t know yet how bad the cancer was. We didn’t know yet that in a few days they would tell us there was nothing they could do. Either way … there is no excuse for the way I treated you. I’m sorry. I’m so very sorry. 

Happy birthday mom. Tomorrow I’m going to make haluski in honor of you. I miss you like crazy. I love you with all of my heart. And I am so sorry. 

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