I feel you

Hi mom. I’m sorry I haven’t written for a while. It’s not that I forgot or haven’t wanted to, it’s just that I’ve been putting it off for no reason. The feelings I had in the beginning are gone now. I don’t feel that intense physical pain anymore. I said I never wanted it to stop but it did. I really thought the 1 year anniversary would knock me down so hard I would never get back up again but the exact opposite happened. That day was the first day I felt “normal” again. I feel you in other ways now. In ways that are undeniably you. For example the other day I was fishing with my dad and I felt you smiling. You finally got to see how we are together and I know that if there was one thing in this world that you were proud of it was that you gave birth to me and that you chose my dad to be my dad. That same night on my way home in the jeep with the top off and all the doors off when I knew it was going to rain and I was so excited to be caught in he rain. I knew you were in that passenger seat having a blast. The strongest I felt you was when I got home that night and had a dance party in the barn to YMCA. I know you were dancing your goofy dance and making your silly noises. You constantly find little ways to let me know you’re here. Butterflies, cardinals, the sun rays shining through the clouds. I feel you when I’m on the back of Lori’s motorcycle. I feel you all the time, and I hope that never stops. I don’t care if these are all things I’m just saying to try and find any little sign that you’re not really gone. I don’t care because that is the only thing that gets me through each day. 

I love you mom. When I look at your picture by my bed the wind gets knocked out of me. I love you. Please don’t ever leave me more than you already have. I know it isn’t your fault. I have been so angry. Not at you don’t worry, just mad in general. I don’t know if it’s because you died or if it’s because I’m just a general a horrible person in my soul. 

I made grandma cry with my letter on Mother’s Day. I want to talk to her everyday but I can’t stand to. I know she’s the only one in this world who knows exactly what I’m feeling. She’s the only one in this world who misses you as much as I do. I am so full of regret I can’t even stand myself. 


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